WOW, it has been a long time since I have been on here, but I just needed to process some of what is happening in my head and in my life right now and this feels like the safest place to do that.
God has me currently in a valley. I have been on some amazing peaks and some low valleys, but He has always been faithful. I have hit some snags on my "happily ever after plan" I created years ago. My expectations and reality are different and I am struggling to find joy in the reality. The vision of me being a perfectly happy stay at home mom after my kids started school was not my reality. Once the girls got into school, I was bored and lonely staying home and took a job at the school to get more plugged into our town and to get out of the house. Being a working mom was never on my radar and to be honest, I am not great at it! However, working at the school still lets me be the stay-at-home-mom that I love being when my kids are out of school. Giving up that time I have with them is not something I am willing to do, but I also don't feel like working at the school is using any of my talent and passions and frankly, I often am bored at work too...Basically, I have been spending lots of time with God and looking deep inside to find out what He has for me. I have looked into going back to school for a different degree, I have tried to think about what am I passionate about and how could that translate into something to use my time wisely while the girls are at school. I still haven't figured out answers to those things, but I know that He has a plan and He created me with skills and passions to use in ways that glorify Him, and until He leads me in another directions, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Friendship is the second reality adjustment. I grew up watching my mom have amazing friends to do life with. I thought that is what my life would look like as well, my own little village of moms to support me and help be other parents to my children. While I have been blessed with some amazing friends throughout my life and I am thankful that some of my friendships have stood the test of time and distance, I don't have a village here in town. I love those friends that as soon as you meet, it is just easy-easy conversation, a level of comfort to let your walls down and just be 100% real. Those are the friendships that I have been blessed with in the past. Not having that after all the time we have lived here starts to eat at your confidence. Is it me? Am I not worth being friends with? Or is it that I just haven't met the right person? Am I just being too picky and need to work harder to connect with some of the great people that I have met that I just didn't feel like I "clicked" with? We have made some changes the last few months, most drastic was changing churches to a local church to help make new connections in town. This was a hard step for us that I am hoping pays off over time. I am also trying to get involved with Civic Club and other things to meet different people. I am still holding out hope that I will find my local tribe, but until then, I will continue to visit my mom and sisters and get my friendship cup full spending time with them and making phone calls to my friends that are scattered all over the US.
Another piece of reality I am struggling with is my size. I am 37 and I wish this weren't still a struggle for me. I am raising two amazing, beautiful girls and I want them to never have to go through all that I have gone through with my weight. I used to think that if I just could look a certain way and buy the clothes that look amazing on others that somehow THAT will make me happy, but I know from experience smaller does not equal happier. I have been on every diet imaginable and I have had success on some of them. My problem is this- if I want to be a smaller size, it requires SO much time and effort. To be smaller, I have to count every calorie I put into my mouth and find time to exercise 3-4 times a week and it consumes most of my time and thoughts (how many calories have I eaten, what will I be eating for dinner so I can plan breakfast and lunch, no snacks at the party tonight because I won't have any left for the day-or starve all day so I am not "that person" at the party that refuses to enjoy the treats the host prepared). I am exhausted just even thinking about how much work it takes to be a smaller size. I know that my thyroid issues are a small part of this and my natural tendency toward laziness is the large part of it. I am so thankful that Michael doesn't care about what number is on my clothes and loves me regardless of what end of the size spectrum I am on, but here is where I really am having a hard time- am I possibly setting my girls up for failure by being a bad example by not making my health my top priority? Or is not embracing the size my body naturally is and not just loving the body I have teaching them to hate their bodies too? Does being obsessive about food and exercise teach them that size is the priority? Does it really matter as much as it does in my head? I don't know, but I would love to look at pictures of myself and be happy with what I see and I want the same for them!
Overall, I know that true joy comes from God and I am trusting that he has a plan and purpose for this current valley. He has faithfully led me through many other valleys during my life and he won't fail me now! I also know that sometimes He makes us uncomfortable where we are so that we are open to change. I am not sure if that is what He is currently doing, but I am just going to keep trying to love those He puts in my path and be open to the journey.
Sidenote: I know that overall, I am truly blessed. I have a husband that I love and that loves me, healthy happy children, a home that is more than we deserve, food in the kitchen and families that love us. I don't want this to come across as complaining because that is not my intent. I am just in the midst of a struggle and hoping that sharing our life on here again will help me to process along the way. Even if nothing else, I love having a place to share our life that feels more personal than Facebook and my kids love looking back at the old posts!
